Wounded Healers - How God"s Lessons Can Change Your Life
My classmates and I knew that this graduation was only an entry point to four more years of studies in theology.
We were twenty in class.
My classmates had a consensus.
I would proceed to theology certainly.
I was the most qualified.
I thought so, too.
I was mistaken.
Nine were admitted to the theology department.
I was not one of them.
The rector told me to pack my things and consider the lay state.
He said I was too stubborn and had my own unbending mind-set.
Under stress, I would push for my opinion, inconsiderate of others.
Emotionally, I was conceited.
I could almost hear it: "Everything is wrong with you! It was devastating.
It was humbling.
It turned out to be cleansing.
I pleaded for a re-evaluation.
I begged the rector to give me another chance.
I could not trust myself anymore.
I knew I was not qualified.
If I could get admitted, it would be by the graciousness of God, not my own.
The seminary priests did not seem concerned enough.
I went to the Carmelites and asked them to pray for me.
For two months of the summer vacation.
I felt like I was in limbo.
I was afraid, hurting, helpless, insecure.
I felt that everybody was ganging up on me.
In my helplessness.
The rector took the sole responsibility of admitting me for the next school year.
God is good.
The rector was good.
I did not deserve the reconsideration.
It was an undeserved gift.
What lessons did that experience teach me? First of all, God who is in control of my life, not me.
We are called not by men but by God.
It is God who has the power.
All is grace.
No one is loved by God because of personal holiness or personal goodness.
God loves us because HE is Love Himself.
Indeed, is there anything good that we have that we did not receive from God? It is indeed humbling to know that no one is really worthy.
Only God can make us worthy.
I also discovered again the beauty and the power of prayer.
It was a prayer in nothingness, from nothingness.
The Carmelites taught me how to be nothing when I pray.
When the faith is much, you will also receive much.
We receive from God as much as we expect.